Dare a man hath power to save.
Behold!
And the jaws of darkness do devour it up.
[Laughs] Oh, wow! Great audition!
Isn't that a beautiful speech?
Behold!
No one says that anymore.
Why not? It's a perfectly good word.
Behold! My tie is blue!
Behold! I got it on sale!
Behold!
Mr. forgess has toilet paper stuck to his shoe!
Oh! Hey, that's very--oh!
Uh, oh. I'll be right back.
I thought I was pretty good.
You had no idea what you were saying.
So?
My hair was fantastic.
Was Vanessa looking at me?
Doubt it.
She's too busy looking at herself.
I don't blame her.
The only reason I'm doing this stupid play
is to look at her all day.
Am I too late to audition?
I hope.
Hey, Bob. I'm happy to see you here.
I didn't know you had an interest in Shakespeare.
I don't.
My mom said it was this or oboe lessons.
Hmm.
Love the enthusiasm.
Zack: Hey, Vanessa.
We both have something in common.
We both like looking at you.
D-do I know you?
Hey, zackikins.
Oh, no.
I love this play, don't you?
It's so romantic.
I'm auditioning, too.
Who's your friend?
Zack: This is Vanessa.
Agnes, I think I left my jacket in homeroom.
Could you go get it for me? I'm cold.
Oh, here.
You can wear my sweater, zacky boo-boo.
Ooh.
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ guess we have the suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so, come on down ♪
♪ just me and you ♪ know what to do ♪
♪ so, come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me, and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so, come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got the suite life ♪
I'm back!
Who missed me?
I brought presents!
Man: Welcome back!
London!
Oh! Welcome back, London.
Yes, how was your stay at the Tokyo tipton?
Fantastic.
Not as fantastic as the Boston tipton, right?
Actually, daddy says the Tokyo tipton
is the best tipton ever.
Oh, yeah?
What's so great about it?
The lobby there was decorated
according to the Asian principles of feng shui.
I mean, you could really feel the difference
in the energy flow.
It went right through you.
Are you sure you didn't just eat some bad Sushi?
Ok.
See, this is a bagua.
It is also the only thing she carried.
It's a chart that shows how to arrange your space
to enhance different areas of your life,
like good health, good fortune,
uh-oh!
Uh-oh what?
Uh-oh your lobby's way out of alignment.
So is my spine.
There's too much feng. Not enough shui.
Well...
London, this is all
just a bunch of mumbo jumbo.
Daddy says I can change whatever I want.
Oh, dear.
Good luck with that.
Do you really think I'll get the part of hermia?
Of course.
And I'm a shoo-in for lysander,
who gets to kiss hermia.
I know.
I mean, it's about time.
We have been dating a day.
Want to practice?
Work, work, work.
Carey: Hi, Cody.
Mom!
What are you doing here?
I'm here to pick you up like every day.
Where's your brother?
Maybe you didn't recognize me
because I've been weight training.
Wanna feel my guns? Ahh!
Come on, pumpkin!
Mom!
Ix-nay on the umpkin-pay.
Orry-say.
Didn't we make a deal
that you wait for us
by the mailbox 3 blocks away?
Well, forgive me for wanting to see my boys perform my favorite play.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
and therefore, as winged cupid painted blind.
Wow!
Wow! That was fantastic.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I did a little Shakespeare in my younger days.
But that's ancient history now.
Bye, mom. See you outside.
Uh, wait! Uh, I could use
an assistant director
and, wow! You would be great.
I'm flattered!
The answer is yes.
Both: No!
I promise I won't embarrass you, ok?
Oh! This is gonna be oodles of fun!
Ha ha ha!
Walk with me.
[Sighs]
Don't you love what I've done to the place?
Don't you think people are going to have trouble
finding the check in desk?
If they do, you can just ring the chimes like this.
Check in over here!
I have issues with this outfit.
Well, there is no place to put my wallet
and I'm feeling an uncomfortable breeze.
London, I've got a little situation at the candy counter.
What's the situation?
It's outside and I'm freezing to death.
Well, that's because you've got
your summer kimono on, silly.
Why can't I wear my old uniform?
Because it's in disharmony with the lobby.
I'm not even in the lobby!
That's it. Are you sure that--
I think you've gone a bridge too far.
Now, are you sure that you're using
that feng shui thing correctly?
Positive.
Now, everyone, help me move that fountain
into the wealth corner.
This is madness.
Ok? There is no way
that moving around furniture in the lobby
is going to have any affect on anyone's wealth.
Hey, $100!
Ow!
How about that?
Hey, what else do you want to move?
Telegram! Telegram for miss--aah!
Telegram for Mr. Esteban julio Ricardo Montoya de la rosa Ramirez.
Oh! It's from my Uncle Ricardo.
Oh! He just struck oil on our property!
And our entire family is getting a share!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
Yay, me!
See? I told you this feng shui stuff works.
Aw, I still think it's just a coincidence.
Excuse me, uh, does anyone here own a silver hatchback?
Oh, yes. That would be me.
Well, uh, I just totaled it.
Oh! Lucky for you,
I own a company which specializes in foreign vehicles,
and so that you won't be without transportation,
I'm gonna give you the pick of the lot.
Well, thank you very much.
It's very generous, sir.
Ha ha!
♪ Oh! I'm gettin' me an Italian sports car ♪
Whoo hoo hoo!
Yay, me!
All: We're rich! We're rich!
It worked! My feng shui worked!
[Cell phone rings]
Hello?
What?
My yacht just sank.
All: We're rich! We're rich!
We're rich! We're rich!
Robot.
Yes!
I got the part of Helena.
I got the part of hermia.
I knew you would.
Really?
Yeah, we really don't care.
Out of my way.
I'm the fairy queen.
Of course.
It's my regal bearing.
Who'd you get zackikins?
Hmm.
Lysander.
Sounds like a mouthwash.
But I have to be lysander.
Lysander and hermia kiss.
Wait. Which part did you get?
I'm bottom?!
That part must stink.
But that's the character who gets turned into a donkey.
A donkey named bottom?
Definitely stinks.
Oh, yeah?
What part did you get?
Well, whatever it is, it's got to be better than bottom.
You're puck.
The fairy.
A fairy?!
I hate my mom.
Ok, everyone. Now that we've all got our parts,
let's start rehearsal.
All right. Let's go!
Now--
who's ready for some acting exercises?
Actually, I'd like to discuss the theme of the play--
great idea! Oh.
Only, first, let's do some mirroring exercises, ok?
Everybody pick a partner and then face them.
But-- but.
No, I'd like to-- no, I'd like to.
Could we just-- could we just.
Ooh. Ooh.
See? It's fun!
You guys try it.
Hey, Zack, let's be partners.
Hey, Gwen. Let's be partners.
You need to quit the play.
What? No way!
But lysander and hermia kiss.
I forbid you to kiss Gwen.
I won't be kissing Gwen.
My character will be kissing her character.
Oh, yeah?
Well, my character will be punching your character out.
Not fair.
Good work, guys.
Gwen, you seem like a lovely girl.
And I would hate to see you get hurt.
Why would I get hurt?
'Cause if your stage kiss with Zack
lasts longer than a second and a half,
I'm gonna flatten you like road kill.
Carey: Good, good, good, good, good.
Nice facial work, girls.
Look, I like Cody, not Zack.
So you say.
Just keep the kissing to a minimum.
Ok, Zack.
Gwen.
Let's start with the scene
where hermia and lysander decide to elope.
And remember, this is the play
where everyone falls in love with the wrong person
because they've been bewitched by the fairy puck,
but in the end, true love conquers all. Ha!
Uh, I just wanted to get the theme in.
Ok, if we're all through.
Start there.
If thou lovest me, then--
ok, good. I'm gonna stop you.
I need you to play the subtext,
the emotion underneath the words.
Yeah. You're asking her to run away with you--
I was getting that.
Oh! Sorry. Ok.
Let's try it again
and this time, I want to feel the emotion.
Now, look into each other's eyes.
Connect.
And then, say what you really feel.
If thou lovest me,
then steal forth thy father's house tomorrow night.
My good lysander, I swear to thee
by cupid's strongest bow,
tomorrow, truly, will I meet with thee.
Cool.
All: Whoo!
Whoo!
Hey, Cody.
I've been thinking,
and it might be a good idea
if we see other people.
Other people?
We've barely seen each other!
Come on. We've had some pretty good times.
You mean yesterday?
Exactly. Glad you understand.
You!
How dare you steal my girlfriend!
Can I help it if I'm an amazing kisser?
Look, I like Vanessa, not Gwen.
And here comes my woman now.
Hi, Cody.
I heard you and Gwen broke up.
Where did you hear that?
Oh, everyone's talking about it.
Anyway, uh, if you want a shoulder to cry on,
I'm available.
No!
I mean, he's busy.
He's got a meeting...
Of the geek club.
It's the glee club.
Have you seen who shows up?
But I'm free.
Oh, well. Maybe another time.
What was that?
What did you say to her?
Nothing.
I've never spoken to her in my life.
Well, that explains why she likes you.
Just stay away from my girl.
And you stay away from mine.
Hey, babe.
I guess it's just you and me now.
Ok, jessie.
See? I had the bagua turned upside down.
That's why I wasn't getting any good luck.
Isn't this rain theme better?
Swell.
[Loudly] Except it's a tad loud and...
I have to use an umbrella at my desk.
Ooh! That's bad luck.
Look, London, I really liked the old arrangement,
and not just because it's gettin' me an Italian sports car.
Well, my boat sank,
so we're trying it like this.
Messenger: I've got a telegram.
A telegram for--ohh!
Telegram for Mr. Esteban julio Ricardo--
I get it.
Oh, no!
What is it?
The oil in my Uncle's truck
was from an underground pipeline!
And now I have to help pay the oil company back.
Oh, that's terrible.
I'd give you my $100,
but I already spent it on this watch.
Here she is.
Are you Madeline Fitzpatrick?
That's me! Did I win the lottery?
Actually, we want to talk to you
about that $100 bill you spent yesterday.
It's a counterfeit.
What?!
I'm afraid you'll have to come downtown and answer some questions.
But can I keep the watch?
I think you may be doing time, not keeping it.
Can I come downtown from here?
We'll see.
Here's your foreign vehicle.
But...
It's a bike.
And it's imported straight from Italy.
See? You got the horn and everything.
[Honks horn]
This is terrible.
All our luck has reversed.
Come on.
The chi has just started to flow.
Something's flowin' and it ain't chi.
I'm sure something great
is gonna happen to me and you any minute.
[Cell phone rings]
London tipton.
Yes.
How dare they!
Can you believe it?
I was just named number one
on the worst dressed list!
Moseby, I told you this feng shui stuff was mumbo gumbo.
Ok, kids.
Now, you've all worked very hard.
Now, no pressure. Ok?
I just want you to go out there--
and be perfect!
Ok? This is opening night, people.
I want you to go out there
and give the performance of your lives.
Ok. Actually, they just need to do the best they can.
Ok? The important thing is to build their self-esteem.
You know what builds self-esteem?
Good reviews.
Right. Uh, well, the reviewer is 12,
and I think we'll be ok
because she's my daughter.
Ok. All right.
Makeup and hair check, people! Go! Go! Go! Go!
This whole thing is your fault, you know.
What's my fault?
The fact that Gwen is all over my zackikins.
You know, if you could hang on to your woman,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
Well, it's hard to hang on to your woman
when you're trying to woo her while wearing a donkey's head.
Besides, you've got more problems than Gwen.
Your zackikins likes Vanessa.
Let me get this straight.
You like Gwen. Gwen likes Zack.
Zack likes Vanessa, and Vanessa likes you.
Exactly.
Well, who likes me?
No one.
Hey! Ow!
And maybe that's why!
Well!
Look, it's not my fault
that everyone likes the wrong person.
Hey!
This is just like the play!
That gives me an idea.
Look, the only reason why Gwen likes Zack
is because she thinks he's a good kisser.
But if she kissed you,
she'd realize you're just as good and come back to you.
All right.
So far, I'm liking it.
But how am I gonna do that
when Gwen and I don't have a kiss in the play?
Oh, that's easy.
It'll just take a little improv.
Follow my lead when the time comes, ok?
Ok.
And don't make a fool of yourself.
I'm wearing a donkey's head.
Good point.
Well, everything is back where it should be.
Thankfully, we've all survived this adventure
relatively unscathed,
although my horn did fall off my bike.
And I'm working overtime to send money to my Uncle.
And I've got a meeting with the f.B.I. On Wednesday.
Great news!
My luck has turned.
Apparently, the magazine made a mistake.
I am on the best dressed list.
Great.
Plus, daddy bought me a brand new jet!
Lovely.
Would you like a horn to go with it?
[Honks horn]
Thanks!
And best of all,
he told me that some farmer in central America
drilled into a tipton pipeline,
and we're gonna take over their ranch
and build a brand-new vacation house!
[Wails]
That feng shui stuff was such a waste of time.
Isn't it great to have our lives
back the way it was?
Yay, us!
All: Yay, us.
[Sighs]
On the ground, sleep sound.
All apply to your eye.
Gentle lover, remedy.
[Squirt]
Ow! Watch it!
Ok. Bye.
Come. Sit thee down upon this flowery bed
while I, by amiable cheeks do coy.
And stick musk roses in thy sleek, smooth head,
and kiss thy fair, large ears,
my gentle joy.
Why, who have we here?
Some lost travelers in the woods, perhaps?
What is she doing?
She's not supposed to notice them.
Uh, maybe she forgot her line?
Behold!
A fair maiden bewitched and asleep.
Perhaps you should wake her with a kiss.
Carey: He's not supposed to kiss her!
He's not supposed to kiss anybody!
What a fine idea, my queen.
But first, you must changeth me back into a dude.
Yes.
Unh!
[Crash]
Now, I shall kiss you awake.
No, Cody!
I mean, donkey.
You weren't supposed to kiss her.
Anon.
Well, uh, at least she said, "anon."
Bad guy talketh for hermia.
I am noteth a bad guy.
Really? Oh, well, then, perhaps you should planteth one on me.
I don't think so.
Eth.
This has to stopeth!
No!
This is the best acting they've done all month.
Don't worry, fair Helena.
I shall saveth you.
Kid, get off me!
Now that I have rescued you,
perhaps you should thanketh me with a kiss.
What are you doing, lysander?
It's me you loveth, remember?
Foolish mortal, I banish thee from the forest.
You can't banish me.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
Oh, yeah.
While you two fight over the handsome lysander,
I think I'll spendeth some time with my one true love.
Oh, please.
She doesn't love you.
Yeah, you're one to talk, donkey face.
Hey, leave him alone.
Don't push my boyfriend!
Your boyfriend?
Oh! Somebody's gettin' banished now.
Oh!
Oh, no. You didn't.
[Rip]
Oh, yeah.
You go, girl!
Hey, leave her alone.
Don't bump my girl.
Fine. I'll bump you instead.
Don't you hurt my zackikins.
Get out! Go!
Agnes: Good night! That scenery!
What fools these mortals be.
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands if we be friends.
And Robin shall restore amends!
[Applause]
So much for meeting chicks in drama club.
Vanessa never liked me.
Now even Gwen hates me.
Yeah. On the bright side,
Agnes likes you even more.
Ha ha ha!
[Sighs]
Well, kids, I can't condone your behavior,
but it seems to me that,
through your own interpersonal experiences,
you finally came to understand
the theme of the play.
Girls stink.
Don't work with your brother.
I should have taken oboe.
[Sighs] Close enough.